I'm miserable when I think

Had a converstation with Dad a while back. We were talking about teachers. He laughed really hard when I told him that some people have jobs they do, not for the money, but because they love what they do. "What kinda bullshit is that?!" *sigh*

Here's a curve ball for you: I don't love being a lawyer. I barely like it. I suck at history and don't want to deal with people. There are a lot of people who go into the criminal justice/criminology field because they want to help people. Which makes me look/feel like dick because I'm being pushed into it. For the money. My parents have this ridiculous mental image that I'll be (and by transitive property they will be) ungodly rich if I become one. But to be honest, for the first 10 years of my career, in the event I take this up, I'll be living in poverty from paying off 8 years of really expensive schooling. And the really rich lawyers you see on TV are the ones representing mulimillionairs. And you can shoot me first if you think I'm representing their lying selfserving ass.

And if by some shakespearian turn of events I do end up with one, I'll probably end up working for the state. And you never make that much money working for the state.

I told them I wanted to go to cooking school or drop out of college. Dad told me to get a job. Mom freaked and told me to go anyways. She'll pay for it all. After I've gone through the misery of it all, then I could do what I want. But I don't want to go. I've heard horror stories about it. Half of all lawyers, given the opportunity, would go back in time and stop themselves from going to law school. And that was straight from another lawyer's mouth.

One thing's for sure, I'll never see the inside of a cooking school.

I'm scared guys, really, truly, scared. And I don't even know what I'm scared about. I just know that I'm wasting my time and I don't want to do this crap anymore. I want to be happy and have my parents backing. But clearly I can choose one or the other, not both.

Wow, isn't my life just grand? This is one of those times in my life where I wish someone would come save me, but I'm sure this is the part where I have to save myself.

Just one of those days....

.....when feeling like putting a bullet in my head seems like a wonderous idea.

No, seriously, it's a miracle that I have survived this long with how mentally broken I am.

Look at the evidence: I talk to myself, I guilt myself, I'm a loner, I'm socially stunted in the sense I have no idea how to interact with people. I have anger issues. Hell, if people were actually reading this, I'd think I'd freak. God help me. I really need help.

So the reason I want to off myself this time is that I looked at Ashley's exam across from me. I didn't mean too orginally, no one sits there 99% of days. I mean, haven't you looked up from taking an exam just to think? It happens. But I caught myself wandering, I was still staring. I looked away, I was panicing inside. I has seen how she'd drawn her magnetic feilds. It just happened, like this darkness creeped up on me while I wasn't looking, and just made me stare into the answers. It's creepy. It's wrong. I shouldn't have done it, I know.

I just finished up my exam and got the hell out. Maybe she didn't see anything, there was another student turning in their paper as I looked over. But what if I looked over too long? God please help me.

But what happens if the professor saw me? I'm fucked, that's what. She knows me. She knows my name. She knows where I sit. By heart.

God, what have I done to myself? I'm hoping nothing. I just can't stop thinking about it. I've tried many things to distract my brain; dopomine, homework, Cracked.com, Phoenix even texted earlier. It's all temporary.

I wish I could turn back time. I wish I live in a place where my future was planned out for me, like I'd get the family restaurant or something.

There is only a few things left for me to do. Brave face. Prayer. And wait for Tuesday.

Tuesday.

Right.

Someone help me. Please.

Working out my thoughts

Lately, my bean plants are growing well. Accidentally killed one of them via backpack strap the other day, but other wise are doing well. My other plants are doing pretty good too, except now it's official that all my tomato plants are dead. Saddening, I had so much hopes in those ones. Oh well, the guy at the nursery across from PCC said I should be able to grow them at the end of May if the weather warms up nicely. I hope so, I been meaning to test how homemade tomato sauce tests against the stuff in the jar. Also, it seems I can bribe people with veg these days the way the economy has been going.

Bought Portal 2, it was awesome. Phoenix came over after I bought it and we sat around cracking the puzzles. Took me only 2 days to complete the blasted thing, and that was with sleeping and eating and school and stuff. It was fun, though. Oh, that reminds me I need to sign/do whatever it needs for the co-op stuff.

Also, not too long ago, I was thinking up an idea for a book. I often think up what the back of the book would say before I even get around to writing out the story, for even liking a story. Too bad I can't really remember it now that I try to write it down. The story was something to the effect of the these two people dating and being all happy and cliched and what have you, only for the guy to realize that he picked the wrong girl to be with and now there was no going to back. After all, he had broke the other girl's heart and he wanted the girl he is with because of the three year long crush. It's one of those be careful what you wish for stories, without a happy ending. Probably. I suck at writing unhappy endings, the ones I want/should happen in the story.

On a more personal note, I have realized a few things and drawn some conclusions:

1) Phoenix likes Grace.
2) Grace like Phoenix, probably. She knows other people to help her cosplay and askes him to do it, and she said in her journal " she[talking about me] likes this person too". That's my strongest evidence, also with the sickening feeling she picked Toshiie and Matsu for the Basara cosplay just for that reason. God this sucks ass.
3) If I don't abandon all emotion in this area toward them, I'm going to lose both of them. They're great friends, and it'd suck to lose them.
4) I'm going to try to get them together. It's for the best right? I mean, they'll be happy and it'll help me get over it.

Should all else fail, I'll just turn into Spock for the rest of my life. Pure logic doesn't feel emotional pain.

Brain Dump

There is something very wrong with me. With how I think. With how I feel. Good god, I sound like Catherine. Someone just shoot me now. Fuck it, I'll do it myself.

*BANG*

......

....

Nope, still here. Damn it.

And by feel, I mean that I experience emotion. I don't want to. It's distracting, it's consuming, it's a waste of energy and time. I don't want to feel all these things wandering around in my head. The love. The hate. What a waste of time. I have things to do. Like video games and homework.

There's cooking, gardening, Tanner and school. I don't have to time to think of reasons to gather how much I hate some of my friends. And family. And just people.

But while I'm here, let me tell you about it.

There's this girl that I met back in highschool, Grace Chang, and she's typically a great kid. Sweet, cute, wickedly smart (she got 5's on her AP test and never dropped below a 4.0, scored rather high on the ACT and SAT if I remember that too.) and "innocent" (well, she comes off that way, get to know her, and well.....) So great in fact, that every guy I've ever known has had a crush on her at one point or another. This includes the one that I have a crush on.

Seeing the hate yet? No? Okay, let me put it this way: She's smarter, prettier, and all around nicer then me. On a scale of 1 to 10, she's the ten and I'm the one. No contest. See here. Seriously! How do I compete with that?! She even knows that she's "compliant, overly polite, submissive, and cute". It's just.....unfair. I try sometimes, and it just blows up in my face. I just want, for ONCE, to have fighting chance against her. And, for once, to win, big time. Okay, I'm asking for a hell of a lot here, sue me. I'm working on getting over it.

And, okay, okay, I don't hate her. Want her to cry a little a squirm, maybe a scream, sure, okay.

Now Catherine, oh God in Heaven, there might be some serious spite with that one. We get a little closer to the lines of hate. Another friend from high school. There is no envy or jealousy or whatever you want. I just want to punch her in the boob. Both boobs. Hard. Then maybe a nice swift kick to the ribs. God help everyone if I have something sharp nearby.

And I have my reasons, don't get me wrong. She's a total asswipe 80-90 % of the time. She's been diagnosised with everything in the book: bi-polor, manic depressive, post-tramatic stress, something something something. And no, she isn't a vet or anything. Just another 20-something living athome with her parents, never really held down a real job type deal.

She's constantly making me do shit I don't want to do, and I don't mean that she just nags until I do it, I mean she comes and FINDS ME and literally forces me to do shit. Like, there was this childrens carnaval at the elementry school not too long ago, and she wouldn't leave until I went with her. And she brought Tayla over to my place once when I had told her GOD KNOWS HOW MANY TIMES that I hate that kid.

Oh, I should explain who Tayla is. She's this kid who's a grade or so younger then me and Catherine and my god she's intolerateable. No one likes her. No one. I mean she has, at grand total, about 2 friends. Catherine and Stacy. That's it. She's just......I don't know, aweful? She's always playing the victim and kills the fun in the room.

Which Catherine does too (the fun part). Except, Catherine does it deliberatly. Her verison of fun is what other people hate and vice versa. She hates parties and people as a whole, why she goes out and finds me, I DON'T KNOW. She once popped a vollyball at a football game. Everyone else was having fun with it, she was the only one who had the problem. Also, she wanted people to learn that the last cooking party that was thrown among friends. THAT ISN'T A PARTY, DIPSHIT. IT'S CLASS. AND EVERYONE HATED THAT PART OF SCHOOL.

SDFASDFERTq3t304tjciafjeFDSFk34t----Ahem. Sorry. Lost it for a second there.

And yet she still wants me to cook for her. HA. Asking me to grow and cook things for her. I swear to some force in the universe that one day I am going to kill her in cold blood. And I won't regret it.

*sigh* I feel better. Feel a little riled up about Catherine though. Hmmm.....She's an asswhore. Hahaha. I got that from mis-hearing the Governator say asshole. But she's little bitchy fat cow twat. Ahhh..... :)

She is tall though. And really.....uuhh, insulated. Yeah. Let's go with that. And she's failed everything in life. So she's an idiot. Mom says it's because she's white. Not that I believe that, but it's fun to say about her, 'cause it get under her skin real nice like.

I mean, can people really (in a social sense) call me a racist and hate me for dissing on white people? Food for thought.

I should get back to doing productive stuff. Like school work. I think I'll do this again sometime.

Because Latin Is Cool

Justin Bieber has a music career. Fred has a movie. What have I got? I free blog. Crushing debt. Insane friends. Insomnia. I suddenly feel SO important. So here's to my lame attempt at making myself feel more important. Cheers.